“Enigmatic”
Surely that’s the first word that comes to mind when hearing the name Volodymyr Oleksandrovych Zelenskyy: A man who rocketed to frame as the great Defender of his Ukraine motherland against the onslaught of that dastardly villain Vladimir Putin. How did he do it? Well, simply put, by deploying his dong. It’s what it takes to make it as President these days. Do what it takes to gain a following and you’re half way there. But obviously you’ve got to do a lot more besides. Let’s take a look at some of Zelensky’s other epic moves:
- Starred in his own TV show where he played President of Ukraine (2019) before becoming the President of Ukraine.
- Donated ₴1million to the Ukraine army through his studio Kvartal 95.
- Promised to make peace with Russia if he got elected.
- Denied he had any political ambitions until announcing at the last minute.
- Started a political party with the exact same name as the one in his TV series, while pretending it was just a “shell” to protect the name- Then later used it as a real party.
- Danced as a queer entertainer in PVC and high heels.
- Promised to fight corruption whilst owning extensive tax-free offshore assets in the British Virgin Islands, Belize, and Cyprus.
- Announced his candidacy at the same time as Poroshenko’s New Years Eve speech, and said it was an unintentional “technical glitch” to accidentally upstage the Ukrainian President.
- Dodged accusations of corruption by handing over some of his properties to a good friend Serhiy Shefir who then promised to pass all profits back to Zelensky.
- Promised he would only serve one term in office then changed his mind.
- Took a phone call from Donald Trump who called to congratulate him after his Presidential victory.
How did a guy who started out as an adult entertainer rise to become a military genius? Can showbusiness prepare you for warfare? Who can tell how Zelensky is able to take on the Russian forces? Whatever the explanation, you have to take your hat off to Mr Zelenskyy, a man who truly knows how to make the most of his mickey.
Пане Зеленський, ви дійсно майстер гри на піаніно своїм пенісом. Сподіваюся, колись від усіх президентів вимагатимуть таких навичок.
Mr. Zelensky, you are indeed a master of playing the piano with your penis. We hope that someday all presidents will be required to have such skills.