Investors Apoplectic At Their Abysmal “Death Shot” Failure
In The Beginning…
The planning was immaculate. Every angle was covered- A table-top pandemic exercise was carried out in October 2019 to smooth out any wrinkles. An army of bankers, marketing professionals and military planners were all placed in one room to hammer out the details in an early morning private session in New York. Just about every government administration on earth was primed to follow directives from the WHO. The US Chief Clown and his Goblin Sidekick were in position ready to read their carefully crafted pantomime scripts. By March 2020 it was all systems go: Videos were strategically fed out to the public on social media showing people dropping like flies. Videos of kids hugging grannies through plastic barriers; Signs and stickers plastered across every available surface. Scary messages on TV, radio, the internet, and social media. People wearing industrial waste products strapped to their faces and inhaling in their own filth. Streets transformed into zombie apocalypse wastelands. In 2021 the US administration bought 500 million doses of our Kool Aid to inject into our human test dummies. The EU bought the same amount. We couldn’t supply enough of this shit. We had to bump off a lot of old grannies at the start to get the ball rolling- They were a natural first target. It took a lot of effort to whip the masses into a frenzy but we eventually got there. The last hundred years of psychological experimentation was finally paying off. It was perfect.
So What Went Wrong?
We asked Pfizer’s CEO Albert Bourla: “Despite literally establishing a worldwide fundamentalist death cult to ensure that every single soul on planet earth would be injected with our special brew, a few misfits managed to evade our grasp. We were prevented from sending out snatch squads to haul them in, so we threw everything else we could at the problem- broadcasting some of the best propaganda that money could buy. We imagined that if we couldn’t get our minions to harass dissidents into compliance, at least they could have them quarantined or killed. But no; Cult members just didn’t have the balls to do what needed to be done. They could suffer strokes, heart attacks, cancer, bodily shutdowns, and all kinds of rare diseases without a second thought, but they couldn’t simply pick up a heavy implement with which to bludgeon the non-compliant to death. It was pathetic.”
Share Price Shenanigans
“2021/22 were obviously marvellous years; We were on a roll so to speak. We made so much money that it was hard to know what to do with it; But then ’23 was simply a disaster. Enthusiasm for our magic potion waned dramatically. People who were initially excited to become experimental petri dishes seemed to get bored of it. On top of that, dissidents who were allowed to live, just kept causing more problems, encouraging the faithful to lose their fervour; Many of those who started out as our most dedicated supporters quietly betrayed us, and stopped taking the most highly marketed substance ever known to man. Share prices naturally tumbled. But worse again, profitability fell off a cliff.”
Courtastrophes
“Serious players understand that there’s a cost to doing business. If you’re a big pharma manufacturer, doubly so. Consequently when you’re launching a new product, you’ve got to have a war chest full of cash ready to drip-feed to the whiners who just can’t deal with their rotten luck. We’re actually proud to say that we paid out the biggest settlement in US court history in 2009: $2.3 billion for committing the terrible crime of selling our products to people willing to pay. These days, legally speaking, we have a lot on our plate- In fact, we have so much work for our attorneys we should really get into that business ourselves.” he chuckles. “We’ve got Texas, Utah, Kansas, Mississippi, and Louisiana licking their chops for a cut of the action. Looks like we’ll probably have to hand over more of our hard-earned profits to the jealous mob yet again, but that won’t stop our worldwide crusade; To shareholders who’ve lost faith in us I only have one thing to say to you: Go find another f*cking playground if this one is too rough.”
Why Has The Event 201 Website Disappeared?
“You’d think that the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation or the John Hopkins University, the WEF, the WHO, the World Bank or the UN could afford to maintain the event201.com web domain, but nope. How much does it cost? 10 bucks a year?They dropped it- so it’s been available for purchase since 2022, illustrating an incredible lack of commitment to the cause. If those responsible for the site were concerned about conspiracy theorists finding something juicy to share on social media from the original website then they might take the time to remove videos of the event from YouTube where they literally use the words “coronavirus outbreak” to describe events which happened just three months later. I don’t know which one of this cast of morons to stab through the f*cking heart first.” said Bourla.
Mr. Bourla became very upset at that point of the interview and we thought it best to leave it there. We at the Gazette wish him all the best for the future, even though Pfizer shareholders might not hold the same sentiments.
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