The Vatican™ has teamed up with the World Economic Forum and Globalist Confessions™ to provide a Confession Service™ for those who wish to unburden themselves to a Catholic Priest™. This can be done via an online form, which is reviewed by one of our qualified Dominican™, Franciscan™ or Jesuit™ Fathers. Your verified Personalised Penance™ can be ordered and downloaded for the incredible bargain of $75. Once you have completed your Personalised Penance™ and uploaded verified proof & ID documentation, a Certificate of Forgiveness™ will be issued- This can be downloaded from our website. or for an extra $25 + P&P a framed printed certificate can be posted to you.
“This is a marvellous step forward for the faithful” says Cardinal Becciu, fresh from his criminal trial for embezzlement using Vatican bank funds where he faces a potential five and a half year jail sentence but is confident of beating the rap. “It is wonderful to think that God’s mercy can now be distributed so efficiently via the internet. People lead busy lives and don’t have a lot of time to organise Confession™. This is a perfect way to address the problem.”
“When you think about it- It’s such an incredible service we’re providing- To have all of your sins forgiven for such a modest sum seems like a Miracle™. But we want to provide this solution to as many Sinners™ as possible. It’s just who we are as a Church™ and as individuals. When you consider we are saving people from Eternal Damnation™ it just makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside.” Users of the service are just as enthusiastic about it. Uli from Geneva who has had serious compulsion issues all his life is delighted with his monthly subscription (€50 p/m with free murder dispensation included.) “It’s such a relief to know that whenever my conscience pricks me I can wipe all my iniquities away by just carefully filling out an online form. It’s a complete game-changer for me.”
What about security?
“We take the Confessional™ extremely seriously indeed” says Becciu. “We don’t all want to hang our dirty linen in public, and I can say hand on heart that Globalist Confessions™ have all this thoroughly figured out with their military grade SHA 256 Eliptical curve encryption with servers stored deep within secret bunkers in the Swiss Alps. Not even Tony Blair is worried about his Sins™ being made public, and that’s really saying something. Bono™ is also a big fan, as is Pope™ Francis. Jeffrey Epstein wanted to get involved at one stage but that was before his most tragic demise.*”
“We are also looking at AI technology that can take the place of human Priests™ in providing Penance™ but the Curia™ are very slow to give such power over to bots. You know how slow we can be with such things- It took centuries before the Church™ allowed people to read books. Still, we’re sure this new product is going to be a roaring success.”
*Conspiracy theorists claim he was bumped off by the Mafia, CIA, MI6, Mossad, P2 Freemasons, or a combination, which is
Jesus™ is now available online
Jesus™ is a new service which allows the Faithful™ to engage with God™. It is hoped that this will save humanity from Damnation™.
Jesus 2.0™ will be made available later this year; Also anticipated is a new service called I Can’t Believe It’s Not Jesus™, which claims to be so intelligent that God™ might be able to take time off to have a long overdue vacation.
Naysayers aren’t convinced
People find spiritual fulfilment in many different ways, and if someone wants to get spiritual guidance from an electronic box they call “Jesus”, what of it? Didn’t the Jews seek solace from a Golden Calf in the desert? Trolls are aplenty these days, and JesusAI has attracted satire from many a Meme Lord- The image below being a prime example.
